We have had such a busy few weeks that it feels like the year is out of control. The distance education experiment has not been the resounding success that I hoped, and I have to acknowledge my lack of understanding of how much self discipline J would have to exercise. I think though that we are finally on the right track. Last weekend, during a visit from my friend who has recently lost her husband, we discussed grief. It was good to talk and during our conversation she asked me about my grief when Jeremy started his transition.
Honest reflection is a good barometer to test the intensity of what you have come through. It was positive to be able to talk to my loving friend about how I felt, the anger at god for deciding that this would be my path, the bone-crunching exhaustion at having to face another challenge after so many, the pain at having to let secret motherly hopes and dreams for my baby girl go. I found though that I was talking about those emotions in the past tense. Because, like all things in life, grief loses its intensity in time; your reality reshapes around the loss and you move on.
Talking to my mum yesterday she was recalling the time when my younger brother called her “my mum, my me-maker” as an acknowledgement as a pre-schooler that he came from somewhere, specifically from his mum. On Mother’s Day I wanted to take some time to reflect on the lives that we shape as mothers, the values that we instill in our children and how that is such a precious gift. It is only as an adult that I can see my honesty, my passion for fairness and my courage to live openly have come from my mum. I watch both Jeremy and Luke as they move away from childhood, Luke feet firmly planted in adulthood, Jeremy standing on that threshold. I listen carefully as they talk to others around them, listening for tones that are harsh or at odds with what they have been taught. Today I reaped a crop of love and joy, breakfast in bed, movie watching and a very thoughtful present. I have been bowled over by their desire to show me how they feel.
I feel like a farmer who has gathered in a very special crop today. May there be more harvests, many more harvests.