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Juggling

05 Mar

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I feel like I should say sorry.

For months it has felt like writing is too hard, too hard to talk to friends, too hard to do anything except breathe and deal only with the most immediate.

Jeremy, in the meantime, is growing.  I am the proud momma to Australia’s happiest baker apprentice.  Jeremy started his apprenticeship in November and his employers are a lovely young couple who see J and his interests as cool.  They love his work ethic, he loves his job, it all works in harmony.  He is excited by the thought of his future studies and is excited to be finally on the path to what he feels is his calling.  His employers also think this is his calling, and I believe that there are few 19-year-olds who would embrace the 2 am or 4 am starts like J has.  We had a fabulous festive season bringing loaves of bread to events and saying proudly “Jeremy made this”.

He has blossomed and it has been so exciting to watch.

But it’s not enough to keep that loud voice in my head at bay.  My psychologist, in our last session said to me, as part of a broader conversation “but you are successful” and I knew I had that blank look, like when she asked me in an early session what did I do for myself.

I have periods of strength.  Those moments look good, but they are so fleeting.  Then the doubt creeps in again.  I recently sat in the car taking to my partner doing one of those stream of consciousness conversations where I told him that I felt that others look at him and feel sorry for him because he is with me.  I could see his physical reaction to that statement, I know he doesn’t feel that way.  Even though I know how many things about that statement are incorrect, negative self talk wipes all the good things away.

So what do I do? Is it the exhaustion of 8 hours a day pretending that I have it all together that then affects the balance of my day?

The temptation to curl into my own space and not emerge becomes overwhelming. But I can’t give in.

 

 

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6 Comments

Posted by on March 5, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

6 responses to “Juggling

  1. Curious Mother

    March 5, 2017 at 5:55 am

    Love and love and love. You are not alone xxxxxxxxxxxxx

     
  2. Christine

    March 5, 2017 at 6:34 am

    Your an amazing lady and one that I’m in awe of,you spread so much love,give some back to yourself xxxxxx

     
  3. Violetsmum

    March 6, 2017 at 12:07 am

    I hear you. I too feel its all so hard sometimes I just want to ryn away. But I’m the mum, the rock. Much love ❤️

     
  4. jonte

    March 6, 2017 at 6:42 am

    We all have periods of self doubt. Unnecessary guilt and self loathing.

    It’s nature to make out selves our own worst critics. We are the only ones that know our secrets and faults. But We Also discount our strengths and good we do to and for others.

    Hug

     
  5. tasjen2912

    March 6, 2017 at 9:21 am

    Much love to you…thankyou for sharing & thankyou for your honesty. I can relate to so much that you’ve written about, and it’s a real gift you give to me & others who read your story, as it allows us to know we are not alone in feeling the same. It lightens the load a fraction. You are wonderful 🙂 Big Hugs!

     
  6. Claire

    March 7, 2017 at 5:46 am

    I think how you’re feeling is completely normal, it’s a tough journey to make, it will get easier, trust me x

     
 
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