Damn, where is this year heading?
We are here at the end of October, nearly Halloween time. We are no closer to knowing what Jeremy will do for schooling next year, we are no closer to Jeremy having any level of communication with his father, we are no closer to determining if we will start the process for Jeremy to start hormone treatment. The unknowns keep multiplying and the anxiety that walks hand in hand with the unknown is a constant companion.
Jeremy seems fine. I suppose I have that to be thankful for, he has placed his trust in me to make it all come together and he trusts that I will. He needs new binders, and I resent that two undergarments that cost so much were so poorly treated that they didn’t last six months, yet I feel guilty when I see his breasts knowing that he also sees them and he doesn’t want to. I tell you I have wallowing in mother guilt down to a fine art.
Up at the farm a couple of weekends ago, down in the back paddock I went to see new lambs. There should have been 22, and five have been lost to foxes, but their birth and survival has been an eyeopener across about six weeks. Watching a ewe I had said earlier was about to drop, I could only see one and something that looked like a plastic bag. “Another set of twins” said my beloved. “There is only one honey”. I had an arm placed around my shoulders “No, honey, it’s twins, look one is up and one is on the ground, it’s yellow”.
“Go and get get it David, it needs your help”.
My darling gently shared his farming wisdom about baby lambs, when you step in, when you let the mother do what she needs to do and all the variances in-between. He reassured me that this would be fine, we would keep an eye on the little one and it’s mother, it was far too early to intervene and by intervening too soon we could do more harm than good. It was a knowledge that he learned from his father, no doubt handed down through generations of sheep farmers, almost an inherent wisdom about letting nature unfold in all it’s splendid and varied glory.
I often pray for that kind of inner peace, that certainty that all things have a path to follow and that the path is good.
Right now I want to howl with the frustration of inaction, the lack of impetus and progress. I want Jeremy’s school sorted, a plan in place for Jeremy and his father that they will follow and participate in for their own benefit dammit and much more in the way of funding to get to Court to get permission to start Jeremy’s treatment. I need none of these things. I need patience and love. I need patience in far greater abundance that I naturally have. I am glad that my love is boundless and grows daily as it is reciprocated from my amazing circle of family and friends. I should use the pronoun “I” far less often.
For in the fullness of time, when people are ready, when Jeremy is ready, all will fall into place. Regardless of my desire to manage it all, to rush or push certain processes at this point may do more harm than good. May I have the wisdom to know when the push is needed.