I got to the end of everything this week.
Jeremy and his brother have had to pick up the pieces again.
I read an article recently about the seven worst things you can do as a parent. I am happy to say that of all the mistakes I do make I didn’t make any contained in this article. One that stood out to me was “be a friend to your kids”. My boys are not my peers, I am the parent and while I believe in equality and fairness I also believe that these two offspring have a relationship to me that is very different to the relationship that I have with my friends. I am not an automaton, much as the boys would like a momma robot who earns all the money, does all the housework and cooking and generally makes their lives easy and sweet. They are dragged kicking and protesting out of bedrooms and into communal living areas where they are asked to talk about their days, do some tasks for the benefit of the family and basically take some steps into the land of “everybody else”. I also believe that to be a good parent you need to show your vulnerability. So I make no apologies for my breakdown this week.
In October my beloved and I went our separate ways. It was my decision, one that was very difficult and reached after much reflection and broke both my heart and his. We have had a few months of limited contact. On Thursday he dropped off at work some bits and pieces that I had said previously he was welcome to keep. Like the respectful and kind man he is he didn’t want to disturb me during my work day. I have had the feeling this week that I should check in on him so the arrival of my possessions prompted a text and we arranged to meet after work before he headed back to the farm. The boys joined us about an hour or so later for dinner and it was like the whole world was right and bright and happy.
and my heart broke all over again overwhelming me with pain and sorrow
But the reasons that I had for ending our relationship are still there. They have little to do with with this lovely man, he did nothing wrong, was not careless, or hurtful or cruel. It makes the decision indecipherable to him.
To live with honesty and truth takes strength. To stay in a relationship where you can see that each person has their own goals and conversation leads down the same differing paths over and over again lacks honesty and it is better for each party to be on their own than continue barreling towards a point of hate and anger. When you are not motivated by anger or hate you need strength to stay true to yourself. The strength that I find so easily for my baby often eludes me when it comes to myself.
It was said to me once that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference. I have used that sentence as a barometer to test how I feel about past relationships and whether I have truly healed or if I am nurturing some negativity that it is better to deal with. I believe that if that sentence has a grain of truth to it then I have to acknowledge that by ending this relationship in the way that I did I have kept a positive link to a very joyful part of my life. I am proud of that.
I did not have the strength or courage to end my marriage when I first felt I should. I subjected myself and Jeremy’s father to a further 10 years limping along a path we convinced ourselves was right because we had a piece of paper. I try to live without regret and I acknowledge that those ten years led us on an exciting journey and I have many wonderful friends from that time that enrich my life. That does not take away that the damage to the four people of our family is still evident. If I have learned any lesson I have learned that being brave and being alone are not the worst things in the world.
My wish for J is to always walk through life with strength and so I hope my example will guide him there. In the meantime I treasure his cuddles and cups of tea offered as gifts to ease my tears.