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Monthly Archives: January 2015

Things getting real

2015 has been a goalpost in my mind for a long time.  I have had two years to come come to grips that this is the year that Jeremy starts his physical transition.

My own physicality was something that I put at the back of my mind.  In 2008 I started a long journey to gain strength and health through exercise and diet and by 2011 I felt amazing.  In 2012 however, a combination of factors combined to start me on a self indulgent slide back to my heaviest.  I spent last year addressing my mental health so was primed to start addressing how I look.

At Christmas I made a promise to my sister that I would exercise with her via a shared app.  Much as we would love to exercise together the Melbourne – Chicago commute is time and cost prohibitive.  So we check in with each other after we work out and this simple mechanism is enough to get me out of bed and turning on coach Justin for thirty minutes of exercise.  That plus a free food tracker has helped me to monitor what I take in.  Three weeks in and I realise the biggest difference is I now really want to change.  My muscles ache, some mornings I am really tired but I value myself enough to give myself a half hour three times a week.The changes have been small but they are there!!!!

Jeremy is not feeling great about himself so we have discussed what he can do.  I know first hand that depression sabotages your best efforts, poor self esteem can lead you back to the biscuit barrel far more than it does to the fruit bowl.  For a committed chocoholic like Jeremy the lure of the sweet is overwhelming as well.

So the plan is to help J start moving and eat better.  I’ve had to stay “no” to certain things, J has decided to make some changes and he will get support from me to help him stick to the changes that he wants to make.

Next week J has his blood tests, one step closer to starting cross hormone treatment.  These hormones will change his body, my wish is that J wants to makes changes so he can look in the mirror and see the handsome young man that I see.

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Posted by on January 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Love won’t always keep us together

I got to the end of everything this week.

Jeremy and his brother have had to pick up the pieces again.

I read an article recently about the seven worst things you can do as a parent.  I am happy to say that of all the mistakes I do make I didn’t make any contained in this article.  One that stood out to me was “be a friend to your kids”.  My boys are not my peers, I am the parent and while I believe in equality and fairness I also believe that these two offspring have a relationship to me that is very different to the relationship that I have with my friends.  I am not an automaton, much as the boys would like a momma robot who earns all the money, does all the housework and cooking and generally makes their lives easy and sweet.  They are dragged kicking and protesting out of bedrooms and into communal living areas where they are asked to talk about their days, do some tasks for the benefit of the family and basically take some steps into the land of “everybody else”.  I also believe that to be a good parent you need to show your vulnerability.  So I make no apologies for my breakdown this week.

In October my beloved and I went our separate ways.  It was my decision, one that was very difficult and reached after much reflection and broke both my heart and his.  We have had a few months of limited contact.  On Thursday he dropped off at work some bits and pieces that I had said previously he was welcome to keep.  Like the respectful and kind man he is he didn’t want to disturb me during my work day.  I have had the feeling this week that I should check in on him so the arrival of my possessions prompted a text and we arranged to meet after work before he headed back to the farm.  The boys joined us about an hour or so later for dinner and it was like the whole world was right and bright and happy.

and my heart broke all over again overwhelming me with pain and sorrow

But the reasons that I had for ending our relationship are still there.  They have little to do with with this lovely man, he did nothing wrong, was not careless, or hurtful or cruel.  It makes the decision indecipherable to him.

To live with honesty and truth takes strength.  To stay in a relationship where you can see that each person has their own goals and conversation leads down the same differing paths over and over again lacks honesty and it is better for each party to be on their own than continue barreling towards a point of hate and anger.  When you are not motivated by anger or hate you need strength to stay true to yourself.   The strength that I find so easily for my baby often eludes me when it comes to myself.

It was said to me once that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference.  I have used that sentence as a barometer to test how I feel about past relationships and whether I have truly healed or if I am nurturing some negativity that it is better to deal with.  I believe that if that sentence has a grain of truth to it then I have to acknowledge that by ending this relationship in the way that I did I have kept a positive link to a very joyful part of my life.  I am proud of that.

I did not have the strength or courage to end my marriage when I first felt I should.  I subjected myself and Jeremy’s father to a further 10 years limping along a path we convinced ourselves was right because we had a piece of paper.  I try to live without regret and I acknowledge that those ten years led us on an exciting journey and I have many wonderful friends from that time that enrich my life.  That does not take away that the damage to the four people of our family is still evident.  If I have learned any lesson I have learned that being brave and being alone are not the worst things in the world.

My wish for J is to always walk through life with strength and so I hope my example will guide him there.  In the meantime I treasure his cuddles and cups of tea offered as gifts to ease my tears.

 
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Posted by on January 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Haters gonna hate

Two sad events yesterday.

First, I received a bile filled text from someone, calculated to cut to the heart of my insecurities about myself.  Intellectually I realised that the sender of this message was more exposing their inability to manage their life, insecurities and depression but my initial reaction was breathtakingly negative.  Then I recovered my composure, went out and had coffee with one friend, a glass of wine with another friend, sent some love out into the universe in the form of an inspirational quote and cooked delicious dinner for one of my beloved closest confidants and her little family.  I pushed through a core workout this morning before brunch with another friend – damn I am so lucky!!!  I live in a beautiful city, in a lovely home with my babies, have an active social life and a job that pays more that just meeting the bills.

Later on in the day yesterday the 300 metre roll of GladWrap I bought when Costco opened in 2009 finally ran out.  I sent a text to Jeremy about both the text and the GladWrap, he is currently at Confurgence (google it, its an amazing convention) and due back on Monday. In our text exchange it was evident that I was a bit sadder about the GladWrap than I was about the text.  That roll of GladWrap moved into the Princess Palace with us, it had wrapped up countless muffins, portions of meat, leftover fritata, fondant icing and so many other culinary delights.  The new roll (which has been patiently waiting in the cupboard for six months) looks a little bright and brash but no doubt will serve us well for the next five or so years.

When you are the parent of a transgender child you do cop a lot of negativity.  People are uncomfortable about your child and what they represent.  The norms that you apply to yourself and your childhood suddenly don’t apply to a transgender child.  The milestones of childhood and adolescence are different in some ways but reassuringly similar in others.  I have worked hard in the last twelve months to develop the resilience that I will need this year to support the next stage of Jeremy’s journey.  I give no one permission to take that resilience away from me, nor permission to dim the joy that I experience in life, or to foist a poor value system on me that is contrary to my beliefs.

Jeremy deserves nothing but the best, to be surrounded by loving friends, family and cohort of peers.  The haters can hate but our love is like a shield of steel.

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2015 in Uncategorized