I’m sorry
Each time someone misgenders you
When you notice stares or hear negative comments
That because of who we are and where we live you have to wait to access hormone treatment
That you feel that parts of your family no longer love you
That things other people do you can’t automatically do too

My heart gets so heavy sometimes, and my momma shield falls away and I want to cry and cry. My love for you is so big, it makes me feel 10 foot tall, I want to make it all better, fight the world and change society. I hate that you have to face any negativity.

I love your strength. My day brightens each time I see your thousand watt smile. But mostly right now I am feeling lost and not sure that I have managed everything correctly, pushed the right buttons, ticked the right boxes.

Sometimes I wish you were little again, and when the doubts wake me up at 2 am your little sturdy body, kicking me in the back, would be there. I miss your little hands holding my face still so you could give me a big kiss. Our biggest decision then was what to have for breakfast and what to wear.

Sometimes I wish we were at the end of this journey, that we have gone through the surgeries and treatments and you have your goal realised.

I know tomorrow things will seem brighter. I know that this is a bump in our otherwise sunny happy travels. I wanted you to know that even when everything seems ok I am still vulnerable, I still question that I have done all that I can.

Life is like that, no neat packages. It is unpredictable and varied with highs and lows. Through it all I hope you always know even when times aren’t great I will always try and I will always love you.

Momma