So the big day has come and gone three weeks ago and we started our new journey down the path of cross hormone treatment two and a half weeks ago and I have not had the strength to talk about it at all.
Because for me, I have had a daily battle with anxiety and depression since I was made redundant eight weeks ago. This has meant that any energy has been focused on the J man and his journey. I feel spent and the struggle to move forward has at times seemed impossible. I have placed an enormous amount of trust in the hands of the universe that this has happened for a reason that will seem clear and positive; however there are days when I just can’t see the bigger picture. My psychologist asked me why I get out of bed in the morning and the simple reason is that I can’t fail J and his brother. They need me to get back on the horse and be their rock and provider, and as they have done in so many ways since their respective births I can see a light and I have a thread of courage and I will be OK.
Let’s talk medical stuff – we have had a fertility consultation and a final consult prior to J receiving his first dose of testosterone. Big sigh of relief that J has years to make up his mind about babies. He and I are pretty confident that the chance that he will change his mind is zero, but the knowledge that he does not need to really make a decision for years is reassuring.
Our final consult just prior to J receiving his testosterone confirmed for me yet again that the universe knew what it was doing when it led us to Melbourne in 2009. The staff at the RCH are amazing and Dr Telfer has given J world class care. She had an anxious momma and son in her office and she was just so supportive and wonderful I got sad all over again that we will have to move on from the RCH at the end of the year. The actual injection was a non event apart from J’s mini panic attack just before the needle hit his butt. The hunger that overwhelmed him afterwards however was very real and we had plenty of good food on hand to help him manage that side effect. Apart from the attack of the om nom noms, his first injection has left him side effect free. This is so good and a good sign for him and his studies.
His birthday was a series of fun events, such a contrast to the sad and lonely sixteenth birthday that he had. Our family event was a lunch at the Princess Palace with close friends and the sleepovers from his eighteenth dinner event the night before. I cooked enough food for about forty people so we feasted on leftovers for days afterwards – yay!!!! The house was a vision of polka dot mayhem and the polka dot cake that looked like a present was quite a technical challenge for momma and son.
There were days in the last two years that I doubted that I could manage to get this precious bundle to his 18th birthday. There were days when it all seemed too much for him and I feared that like so many transgender teens he would slip into depression or worse. His strength and patience are a true lesson for many; for a child who is ruled by passion and impulse I am sure that the wait has been interminable. But we got there kitten, and your momma bear couldn’t be prouder.