Why T is not the answer

03 Jul


I’ll level with you, I have started this blog post about a hundred times.  My feelings about  Jeremy are so mixed each time I try and write it I get confused and my attempts to rationalise and unpick it gets sidetracked.

But here it is.  Testosterone was not the answer.  It has been a significant part of the answer but it has not been the solution in totality.

Since November Jeremy has been finished with school work.  In the last week he finally got to Centrelink to  register for Youth Allowance.  In between he has floundered in a sea of anxiety, lack of direction and dysphoria.  I’ve done my best to provide love and support but my patience and my bank balance are wearing thin.

For nearly three years we held onto a D date of Jeremy’s 18th birthday and his first injection of T.  On reflection I had no idea what I expected from this injection.

He is becoming more masculine day by day and that is fricking awesome.  His sideburns are epic and his goatee and sideburns are starting to meet on the sides of his face.  His voice is deeper and there are even times when he is comfortable without wearing his binder.

But those mental health issues that sent us to a psychologist pre-transition are still there.  They are exacerbated when he meets people in the general public that, despite beard and deep voice, somehow still misgender him.  Dealing with Government organisations has a special challenge, and I am pleased that the Federal government employees in Newport Victoria are much more aware of gender diversity than their counterparts in Werribee.

So mothers and fathers – I thought the step of starting T would be a bigger solution than it was.  It was a significant step but if I have learned anything from the last six months it’s that Jeremy has hopes and dreams about his physicality.  There are dreams that I have offered to make a reality but he is still considering the implications for himself.  He understands that he is in a position of privilege.  It doesn’t alleviate the underlying feeling that he has that his journey is just starting.  It doesn’t help when he feels that taking the first step isn’t accepted or understood.

It’s so unfair.  I see his peers at Uni, getting part time jobs.  He is so bright and engaging and that bundle of contrary actions that has bewitched me for nineteen years.  His legacy was supposed to be bright and successful.  The poor kid can’t even prove his identity because the forms are overwhelming and the questions daunting despite my support, love and credit card.

Time to put on my big girl panties and keep fighting the good fight.  Because if the world won’t voluntarily step toward J, I will damn well make sure it does under duress.



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4 responses to “Why T is not the answer

  1. oopster74

    July 3, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    I’m not being critical here, even if my language may suggest that, I just have a habbit of saying what I want to say badly, just possibly pointing out something that strikes a chord as I’ve seen it before. There you are thinking as soon as this thing happens, all will be right with the world, and it’s like the kid who gets exactly what they want on christmas day, then ends up finding the wrapping more interesting, or to put it another, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I’ve seen it with mtf friends of mine who’ve gone for surgery and because of how the system works, it’s like it’s the golden ticket to wonka’s when you finally get it and it just won’t live up to expectations. Nothing can if you build it up that much. Whatever Jeremy does, when he finds happiness, it won’t be some big blinding light that goes off, he just won’t have the worry that he had before. You notice when you have a headache, but you don’t notice it disapear do you.

    • totallyterrifictigerista

      July 3, 2016 at 2:01 pm

      It’s been my realisation that each small step forward is just that – a small step.
      I see so often that parents are holding onto the promise of cross hormone treatment as the end, but it’s just the beginning. 😊

  2. Curious and Curiouser

    July 3, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    Our lives have paralleled yours in so many wonderful and unexpected ways. Please let Jeremy know, particularly in the times he falters, that little O is following behind and that he smooths O’s path just by going ahead of him.

    I relate to so much that you say. I’ve struggled to write lately because what is happening doesn’t fit the narrative: it’s not like transitioning resolves all problems either. Why would it? Apart from the truism that you carry yourself and your issues with you wherever you go, there’s never been anything easy about living in truth. It doesn’t make life more comfortable. It doesn’t mean that the people around you are going to understand and accommodate. O’s transition has sucked in so many ways and I doubt that if and when we get to T it will be any easier.

    I do think it’s important that we keep writing the hard stories, the ones that break the mould because they don’t make any obvious sense, they don’t soothe and they don’t explain. They’re brave and they’re important for all the kids that do crave the easy answers, that wish they could just snap their fingers and become whole.

    Thankyou for writing – and much love to you and to J xxx

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